I like it better when it hurts

"Why?" It was a simple question, probably the simplest a man could ever ask.
I was lost in the thoughts which crossed my mind. I couldn't say a word, especially not a complete a sentence. I tried though, believe me, I tried as hard as I could, but nothing. He needed something which I didn't have.
I could hear the blowing of the wind, I could smell the grass outside, I could see the birds, I could feel the living nature, every insect, every living creature. And I could see the forthcoming thunder...

But inside in this fucking deep black hole, somewhere a few miles under the ground all of that didn't matter. It was pointless.

I was naked.
I was chained to the wall.

I couldn't guess how long I had been there - probably more than a few days - I hadn't been eating nor drinking since then, my throat was as dry as sand, and I was starving. But this was nothing. My back was aching from the beatings, I felt the warm blood flowing down, I heard the drops hitting the muddy ground.
Just like a metronome. (Drip...drip...drip. Tick...tock...drip...tock.)

When he first came, I was frightend. I didn't know who he was, I couldn't see him in the pitch black. I only heard the footsteps aproaching me, I heard my heartbeat getting faster. My throat got even drier. A dose of adrenaline rushed through my body and the only sentence I was able to repeat in my head was "What is he going to do to me...? What is going to happen to me? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?". And then I realized the only sound I could hear was my own heartbeat. The footsteps stopped somewhere. I wasn't listening, and now I didn't know where he was. Like a frightened little bird I turned my head, I concentrated, trying to hear anything. Nothing. Of course nothing. My heartbeat got even faster, it reached the point which I thought might kill me, so I tried to calm myself down. What if it was only a hallucination, what if he was never here? What if it's just my imagination playing childish tricks on me? What if...

And then the forthcoming thunder arrived with the heaviest lightning you can imagine. And I got hit by all of them. I felt my skin tearing apart making my blood flow all over my back.
All I was able to do was scream. (Holy fuck, holy fuck! Please STOOOP! I beg you, I beg... Stop!) Desperately, helplessly. The pain consumed all my strength and (Stop... I beg you...) I felt my urine spreading apart on my legs. (Please...) I didn't know how long it lasted, 'cause you know, after that critical amount of time the pain disappears and you find yourself alone with the whispering voices. So did I. And the voices told me about the dark secrets of this rotting planet, the incredible sickness of the human mind, and I couldn't get rid of them. They just kept telling me their nasty and disgusting stories. Whispering (please...) and shouting (please stop...) in the same moment, trying to break my mind.

White.

Several hours later - I guess - I opened my eyes. I listened for voices, but there were none. No footsteps, no gasping from joy. I was alone. And that was the first time I heard my metronome. (Drip...drip...tick...drip...tock)

And when the blood dried, like he could see me, he came again, and everything, this nightmare, started again from the beginning.

After a few times I noticed I kind of liked it. Well, "like" is not a good word for it, but it's close to the reality. I could measure time again. In that dark place I had something, which was really mine and mine only. Nobody could imagine a situation like that, but when you lost your vision and all the sounds, nothing to truly rely on, the passing of time slows down and you become unable to separate minutes from hours... what seemed like an hour could be only a minute. And when you get back something to help you to place yourself back into time and space, believe me, it's better.

So when the blood stopped dripping and he came I was kind of relieved. I didn't mind my flaming back nor my humiliation. I knew that in the end it will be better. Easier. With the time passing by, I stopped screaming. I guess I got used to the routine.

And then something happened. He didn't come. "Where are you?" I shouted. I was furious and desperate. And these ambivalent feelings inside my head made me more angrier. "Where are you, you fuck? Come here and do it!"
I waited, but he didn't come. I waited for the thunder, but everything was still. It was infuriating. The voices came back and started to whisper again. And of course the whispering became shouting. Oh, how my ears hurt... as if somebody had poured hot lead into them. Unbearably painful, and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. It drove me crazy. I needed the dripping, I needed my blood.

I put my mouth to my arm. I felt the warmth of my skin. I started to close my teeth upon my arm. First it didn't hurt and the voices were still shouting. (Harder) I bit down harder, I felt my teeth breaking the soft skin, but it wasn't enough (Harder...HARDER, c'mon bitch! Is this all you've got?!) I  clenched my eyes as tightly as I could and I bit myself with my full strength. I felt my flesh tearing off from my bone, I heard its scratchy noise, and the hot blood filled my mouth. I started to retch, but I was thirsty. My eyes popped open as I swallowed my own blood. It was hot. It was HOT. I tried to stop myself from vomiting, and it was easier than I thought. I closed my eyes and breathed out slowly, I felt my pulse slowing down, and suddenly I realized the voices calmed down as did I, only a low whispering remained. And a well known sound started to unfold from the leftovers of the voices. That was it (drip-drip-drip), finally! (tick...drip...tock)

I kept my eyes closed, and (drip...) blurry images about faraway strange places started to fill my mind. I fell asleep.

I dreamt about a strange place. The colors were different, they weren't able to compare to any others I've ever seen. The smell of the wind was sweet, and everything was so peaceful. It was the perfect dimension. The perfect place. Inside myself, I felt the life of the whole planet. I felt complete. I just looked into the sun, and I felt warmth on my face. My eyes started to tear up from the shining. It was hot. It was HOT, but I kept looking the mighty flaming globe. Inside it I saw dancing figures. Angels perhaps. I became enchanted with their beauty. Like a magnet to steel, my gaze was attached to them. Never looking away. Not when the heat became painful, not when my skin started to burn, not when the bitter smell of the burning flesh got into my nose, I never looked away. I saw myself shriveling in the flames without a noise, without turning away, staring directly into the sun. It was peaceful. It was white.

And when I woke up there was complete silence surrounding me. I felt emptiness. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't hurt myself again. I was weak. I was too weak. I started to cry, I let the tears flow over my face, licked them, and cried wilder.

And now, here I am.
This is who I became.

"Why?" This is a simple question, probably the simplest a man could ever ask.
I'm lost in the thoughts which cross my mind. I can't say a word, especially not a complete sentence. I'm trying though, believe me, I'm trying as hard as i can, but nothing. He needs something that doesn't belong to me.

It's not over yet.
He is waiting for the answer.
And I'm trying to do my best.

--------------------------------------------

Hurt me, c'mon you piece of shit, hit me! Or let me out of here so I can rip you apart you son of a bitch, c'mon, hit me! Please, I beg you! I beg you! Hit me!

When the waves of your anger starts to fill your mind blurring your vision, just stop for a moment and think. And if the first thing, the right thing seems to be screaming, just do it. Let it out!

Scream!

Scream for everything and everyone, scream for your desperation, scream for your problems which cannot be solved, scream for your demolished life which cannot be rebuilt, scream for the others. For the children dying outside in the dark corner of a hidden street, for the children who never knew love nor comfort, and if you are one of them scream for yourself.

Scream till you are out of breath, 'til you start to feel your veins in your head, and the reddish curtain of blood starts to crawl into your field of vision, scream for a bit longer - while the red becomes black and your hearing begins to dim 'til you can't hear your own voice, and if you are still conscious scream longer, scream louder.

And once the black turns into white, you’ll be able to see the purity and simplicity of that hidden layer, where the reality becomes surreal and the distant dim voices become dissonant.

---------------------------------------------------------

The Light calls for you as you call for the Light. 
And you’ll accept Her request.
There is your place. 
That is what you need. 
You can stay there. 
You will stay there. 
Forever.

A támadás után nem sok minden maradt. Az utcákat fémhulladék és por borította. A széttört lámpákat nézte, ahogy végighaladt a kihalt utcákon a lemenő nap narancsos fényében. Arra gondolt, hogy néhány évvel ezelőtt egész másképp mutatott volna az élő, nyüzsgő város. Felderengett előtte az emberek sokasága, ahogy sietve haladnak intézni a dolgaikat, a közlekedési dugók, az autók türelmetlen tülkölése, és minden olyan, ami fontosságára csak akkor jössz rá, ha a hiánya ráébreszt.

Körülnézett, de mindenhol csak üres, omladozó épületeket látott. Sehol egy lélek se. Egyedül volt még mindig, mint már annyi napja, mióta elindult. Az épületek lassan ritkulni kezdtek, ahogy elérte a külvárost. A szél felerősödött és hátára kapta a törmeléket, hogy aztán valahol máshol, kilométerekkel arrébb megváljon tőle.

Már réges-rég maga mögött hagyta a várost, amikor meglátta, amire indulása óta várt. Egy alak állt előtte a távolban. Tudta, hogy Ő az, aki miatt útnak indult. Végre megtalálta. Szaladni kezdett, most már nem tévesztheti szem elől a nőt. A Csodát. Érte jött, miatta indították útnak, és végre hosszú szenvedés után, annyi nap után, melyeken üres gyomorral kelt és feküdt, melyeken nem ivott egy korty vizet sem, megtalálta.

Egyre közeledett a nőhöz, aki még mindig háttal állt neki. Fekete ruhát viselt, amit már kikezdett az idő. Széleit kicsipkézte a szél, helyenként lyukak tátongtak rajta. A nő mégis olyan méltóságteljesen állt, hogy ez teljesen elkerülte az utazó figyelmét.

Odaért hozzá, és megállt. Lassan kinyújtotta a kezét, és megérintette a vállát, majd maga felé fordította a nőt. Egy másodpercig csak állt és semmit sem csinált. A sokktól megbénult, nem tudott időben reagálni. Tudta, hogy ez nem valóság, de a reflexek és a tudatalatti borzongás erősebb volt, és elnyomta a tudatát, a racionalitást.

A nő szemén át egyszerre látott mindent - párhuzamos dimenziókat, múltat és jövőt, azokat az időket, mikor még az istenek lakták a bolygót. Látta az űrt, a végtelent, és az ott szunnyadó borzalmakat. Látta az emberiség emelkedését, és bukását, a bolygó pusztulását, a világ végét. Látta a káoszt, és végül meglátta az ürességet, a semmit.

Elméje nem bírta tovább, megszűnt benne minden gondolat és elhatározás, eltűnt minden érzés, a kétségbeesés és a félelem is. Izmai elgyengültek, a lába megremegett, és az utazó térdre rogyott a Nő előtt. Szemébe könnyek gyűltek, szájával próbált szavakat formálni, de hang nem jött ki a torkán. Nem kapott levegőt, de ez már nem is érdekelte. Személyisége eggyé vált a nőjével. El akarta fordítani a fejét, hogy ne kelljen a szemébe néznie, de már elvesztette a kontrollt a teste felett. Magatehetetlenül térdelt a nő előtt és várta az elkerülhetetlent. Várta, hogy döntsenek a sorsa felől.

Boldoggá tenne, ha valaki rávilágítana arra, hogy a php mégis mi a fasz.

$Bar = "a";
$Foo = "Bar";
$World = "Foo";
$Hello = "World";
$a = "Hello";

$a; //Returns Hello
$$a; //Returns World
$$$a; //Returns Foo
$$$$a; //Returns Bar
$$$$$a; //Returns a
$$$$$$a; //Returns Hello
$$$$$$$a; //Returns World

Ez mennyire szánalmas már?

Oké, megint 50 kiló körül vagyok. Ettem egy pizzát, és azóta hányingerem van.

Meg amúgyis faszkivan.

Soha többet nem eszem.

--------------------------------------------------

Everybody can fuck off.

Az alább lévő "kód" egy "programozó" "zsenialitását" tükrözi.

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I'm Reba, the anger management doll.